Finger Sex – Wazi M. Kunene

“So you mean you lost your virginity to two fingers? Oh oh how could I miss this, your cherry was popped by a tongue! Listen Ntsiki, you having finger and tongue sex with other girls is breaking no paradigms; there are real wars and issues you could be protesting about, not your needy clit and breast sucking desires.”

We are standing outside the fruit and vegetable store. It is a Saturday morning, my sister Tsholo, a 27 year old career focused young woman takes me shopping with her every Saturday because it’s her off day and she is always happy on a Saturday but not right now. Right now she is furious and disgusted with me.

Let’s go back a bit, two months ago when I told Tsholo that Jackie was my girlfriend and we would be partners for our matric dance, she was happy for me.Maybe she didn’t understand what I meant by girlfriend, Jackie and I have been dating since grade 10, I only told my sister two months ago because I was finally sure of what Jackie and I had and Tsholo herself had been asking me if I was seeing anybody, so I guess she really did not understand when I told her about Jackie. However Tsholo insists that I should never be afraid of sharing with her, we are sisters and she is just ten years older than me.

And yes, she always emphasizes the ‘just’, so whilst we were still inside the fruit and vegetable store and shopping I remembered that she was ‘just’ ten years older than me. I decided to remind her about Jackie so I could make it clear to her that we are dating.So I just started checking through the mango basket‘for the freshest mangoes’ to avoid looking at her then I asked “Tsholo, remember I told you Jackie and I would be partners for our matric dance?” With excitement she responded “oh yes, you girls have less than six weeks to prepare. Have you chosen what colour you want your dresses to be, your heels, woo, I see silver, no, no, red. What about your make up, you know my friend Pretty can take you from your dark skin to yellow bone in fifteen minutes! I could call her now.

No no Tsholo, Jackie is already white and I don’t want no yellow bone look for my matric dance.” I quickly cut her short before she got carried away, now I had moved from checking for the ‘freshest mangoes’ to looking for the ‘biggest and brightest oranges’, still so I could avoid looking at Tsholo as she was right next to me. I mumbled “Tsholo I have something to tell you” She came even closer to me, brushed my shoulder and I lifted my head. I now had to look at her, but before I could say anything, with a serious face she said “Ntsiki your fat shall not hinder you from your life’s greatest milestones, we will find a dress that will love every part of your body” she then slapped my bum and tickled my belly while giggling. I gave a nervous smile, squeezing an orange, I wiped my sweaty right palm on my denim shorts, cleared my throat and responded “No Tsholo, sister listen, I want to tell you that Jackie is actually my girlfriend girlfriend, like we are a couple in love and we have made love, love

I didn’t know that my sister could wrap her hand and fit my whole fat arm in it,   hold it so tight, while pulling me out of the store. I let go of so many ouches and ahws out of my dry mouth. I guess ‘just’ ten years older was a joke! I knew she was taking me out side to talk the lesbian out of me. I knew it! Jackie did say what’s between your legs is family business, is social debate, is church floors roasting and definitely now, is sister all up on your arms!

When we finally got out of the store, I cried out “Tsholo this is my choice, I will protest about it if I have to. I would give my life to speak about it, we are human too.”

Tsholo then quickly pushed me against the wall and put her hand on my mouth, this really hurt me. Not really my head hitting the wall but Tsholo covering my mouth! It was like she cut my tongue off and stepped on it, like I would never speak again, like I was not allowed to. I immediately began to cry. I think I also wanted her other hand to just close my nostrils, I was staring at my grave in her eyes, I just wanted to tuck myself in it already. I have never felt so rejected!

After a few seconds she removed her hand from my mouth and held my left wrist so tight, as if trying to stop my pulse from beating or trying to have her hand far from my fingers. She was disgusted with me! I knew it! She looked at me as mother would when lecturing us then spoke though her teeth,

“So you mean you lost your virginity to two fingers?  Oh oh how could I miss this, your cherry was popped by a tongue! Listen Ntsiki, you having finger and tongue sex with other girls is breaking no paradigms; there are real wars and issues you could be protesting about, not your needy clit and breast sucking desires.”

She looked at me from head to toe as if checking if I was still the Ntsiki she knew. “Now stop this nonsense, your stupid finger sex nonsense! I don’t want to hear you talk about this stupid game again!”

She then walked off back to the store, I was still silently crying as I followed her back to the store, thinking I have ruined her happy Saturday. Still following her around the store, I was thinking that the only way I could undo this moment, was to undo myself. I wondered if mother still had some sleeping pills because when we return home, I will sleep in the bath tub with warm water and find another home

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